Of course, Albert! You're the only person I trust with this much! It's still difficult for me to open up, but I've found it's gotten a bit easier with you, at least!
[That said, though, that is when he starts pacing; just trying to find something to do with himself, really, while he tries to collect himself.]
I remembered exactly what I was trying to do back then. With...all of the experiments, particularly the ones that kept recurring in my memories beyond a certain point. The sort of thing that Excella became.
That's what's been troubling me lately, and why I wanted you here with me for a while.
I told you that I was going to try to rule over the world as a god. That wasn't something I misrepresented to you - it's what I genuinely thought until a very short while ago.
Recently, however...
[He pauses a bit, then; just...give him a moment. To breathe, and to collect his thoughts.]
Recently, it's come to my attention that I only understood part of the plan.
I know that I wanted to save the world. To...fix something that I believed was fundamentally wrong, I suppose, but also to pass judgement on humanity as a whole. To decide who deserved to live or die, based on something that would be objective at its core. Something that couldn't be swayed by the superficial charms of individuals, something that couldn't be lied to or manipulated. Something that would be an impartial judge that could decide, based on inherent traits, who deserved to survive.
[...]
I wanted to save the world by unleashing the virus that caused Excella's mutation. Those that it "chose" - those that could bond with it without dying - would be considered worthy of survival.
The casualties were projected to be massive. I didn't care.
[That's...seriously understating the severity of it, simply by merit of not stating exactly how many casualties he's talking about. But it is the basic gist.]
[Jaeger listens to all of that silently. He shifts a little where he's sitting on the bed while he tries to work out how to respond. Some part of him was wondering if this was all leading up to something like "and then I tried to destroy humanity" so at least he was on the right track, sort of? Holy shit. Okay. Alright, he's got this.]
I see. I'm so sorry you had to remember something like that, Albert. I...
[He's... He's got this...]
It... certainly is an awful thing to deal with, ja?
[He doesn't have this.]
I can't say I understand, because I don't, but that's... Goodness, that really is something, isn't it?
[Give him a moment and maybe he'll be able to pull himself together.]
It's something I've been suspecting for some time. That my memories would result in something like that eventually.
[He seems...abnormally calm about this, all things considered? He's being incredibly level about the whole thing, and his words are about as even as they usually are. Which is likely not the best sign in the world, honestly.]
...It's likely not something that I should have told you. But again, it seems unfair to keep something like that from you.
[He absolutely does not have this and he's not sure he'll ever have it again, honestly. This is a lot to take in. It's no wonder Wesker wanted him to stay over. He's not sure he ever wants to leave.]
No, no... It's a lot, but it's... Ja, it's good that you've told me. As you said, I need to know, right?
[Jaeger shakes his head as if to clear it. He's trying, that's really the most that can be said right now.]
I'll be honest with you, this is sort of terrifying. Saying it's a lot to take in is an understatement. But... that doesn't change that you're still very important to me, Albert. I don't know if I can do anything to help, but I'm here for you.
...This is the sort of thing that I've told you about before. The reason why I don't explain so many of my memories to you.
[His words are still unnaturally calm, but he can feel his breathing picking up; he's quick to work his hands into his sleeves, to toy with the fabric there to give himself something to do, and he takes a moment to breathe, to try to force his breathing itself to become less jagged- ]
There are some things where you can't force the burden of knowing onto someone else - where things change for them, once they know. I imagine you understand what I mean when I say that, now.
[And there are a lot of things he isn't saying, still - he understands if this is a dealbreaker, he understands if Jaeger wants nothing further to do with him beyond this point...
He understands, but that doesn't change the fact that he can feel himself shaking despite himself.]
[Jaeger's not entirely sure when he got up off the bed and approached Wesker, but suddenly he's here and he's not really sure what to do with himself now that he is.]
I do. I understand better than I ever have before. But that doesn't mean I'm going to run away.
[He reaches out for Wesker's arm then, just moving to rest his hand there awkwardly, if Wesker will let him.]
I want to say "everything will be fine", but I don't know that it will. I want to tell you that everything's okay right now, but I can't say that either. What I can say is that this doesn't change my feelings for you. You're still my closest friend and the only person I'd trust with everything. You mean the world to me, Albert. This doesn't change that.
[He's scared and he's shaking a bit too, but Jaeger's doing his best to calm himself down.]
[Jaeger's approach at least gets him to stop pacing, though he doesn't seem to know what to do with his presence so close to him, either. He doesn't flinch away from Jaeger's touch at all, though, not like he used to; he simply allows it, even if it's probably making the tension and the shaking more obvious as the moments pass.
He doesn't know what to say to that, so for the time being he simply doesn't; he just focuses on trying to calm himself down - something that doesn't seem to be working very well, honestly - but he does nod a bit at Jaeger's words. More acknowledgement than anything, a sign that he's heard him and isn't so far up in his head that he can't respond, but he rather clearly doesn't know what to do with any of this.]
[He just shakes his head a bit at that - he doesn't seem to be disagreeing, more trying to clear his head, and it's...obvious that it's not working.]
...Six billion people, Jaeger.
[It's quiet when he says it; his voice is still surprisingly even, but it's likely becoming increasingly clear that that's because he doesn't know what he should do with his vocal inflection.]
I was prepared to kill at least six billion people.
[You really do like making this hard on him, don't you?]
I see. Obviously I don't approve of that at all, but that's what happened before all this. We're different people now - very different people. You wouldn't do something like that now and no matter what Retrospec wants us to believe, we're not exactly like the people we were.
You believe that, don't you?
[There's a hint of desperation in his voice. Please tell him you still believe that.]
[That's perhaps the most confident he's been since this conversation started. No matter how bad things get, he genuinely believes that Wesker never will be the same man he was before.]
You're the strongest person I know, Albert. No matter what happens - no matter what you remember - you'll always be you. You're not the same person you were back then and you never will be like him again. I have complete faith in that.
[His grip tightens a bit on Wesker's arm again, though it's not desperate this time.]
[Jaeger's touch is nice, for some reason that he can't figure out; it's comforting, in its own way, and despite himself he seems to be relaxing a little.]
...You keep saying that, regarding how strong you think I am. [...] It means a lot, hearing that.
[He shifts a bit, but he isn't trying to pull away from Jaeger's touch; he doesn't want to break that.]
If you're going to insist that I need to believe this, then so do you. You understand that much...?
Of course you will; nothing is going to change that.
[That response is immediate, at least; he's almost content to leave it at that, but after a moment's deliberation, he doesn't.
He moves forward a bit instead, and while it's infinitely more awkward to do it here than it is in dreams - and it was awkward as hell in Jaeger's dream that one time - he pulls Jaeger closer into what amounts to the world's most stilted embrace. It's obvious that he's bad at this still, and he'll let go if Jaeger wants him to, but for now this is...good, in some way that he isn't used to.]
[Jaeger hesitates for a brief moment, but before Wesker can pull away he's quick to latch on. His grip is probably a little too tight, but he doesn't want to let go any time soon.
For once in his life, Jaeger doesn't have anything to say. He'll just cling for a little while, if that's fine with everyone.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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That's nice to hear, you know! I'm really glad I can help! You help me a lot as well, so I'm glad I can return the favor!
[ c: ]
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It's good to know that I can do that much for you, at least.
[...
c: ]
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[That said, though, that is when he starts pacing; just trying to find something to do with himself, really, while he tries to collect himself.]
I remembered exactly what I was trying to do back then. With...all of the experiments, particularly the ones that kept recurring in my memories beyond a certain point. The sort of thing that Excella became.
That's what's been troubling me lately, and why I wanted you here with me for a while.
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[It sounds bad. What the hell could he be doing with experiments like that?]
As I said, I'll stay for as long as you want me here, so don't worry about that.
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[Which technically doesn't answer the question of whether he wants to or not, but it's close enough, as far as he's concerned.]
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I do agree that it's fair, but that doesn't really answer my question. I don't want to force you to talk about it if you don't think you can.
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I can discuss it with you. You aren't forcing me to do anything - don't let that be a concern. I...
[Because it's so much better if you do what he says, is it?
No.]
...I would tell you, if you were forcing me.
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[...]
If you're certain, then yes, I'd like to hear it.
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I told you that I was going to try to rule over the world as a god. That wasn't something I misrepresented to you - it's what I genuinely thought until a very short while ago.
Recently, however...
[He pauses a bit, then; just...give him a moment. To breathe, and to collect his thoughts.]
Recently, it's come to my attention that I only understood part of the plan.
I know that I wanted to save the world. To...fix something that I believed was fundamentally wrong, I suppose, but also to pass judgement on humanity as a whole. To decide who deserved to live or die, based on something that would be objective at its core. Something that couldn't be swayed by the superficial charms of individuals, something that couldn't be lied to or manipulated. Something that would be an impartial judge that could decide, based on inherent traits, who deserved to survive.
[...]
I wanted to save the world by unleashing the virus that caused Excella's mutation. Those that it "chose" - those that could bond with it without dying - would be considered worthy of survival.
The casualties were projected to be massive. I didn't care.
[That's...seriously understating the severity of it, simply by merit of not stating exactly how many casualties he's talking about. But it is the basic gist.]
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I see. I'm so sorry you had to remember something like that, Albert. I...
[He's... He's got this...]
It... certainly is an awful thing to deal with, ja?
[He doesn't have this.]
I can't say I understand, because I don't, but that's... Goodness, that really is something, isn't it?
[Give him a moment and maybe he'll be able to pull himself together.]
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It's something I've been suspecting for some time. That my memories would result in something like that eventually.
[He seems...abnormally calm about this, all things considered? He's being incredibly level about the whole thing, and his words are about as even as they usually are. Which is likely not the best sign in the world, honestly.]
...It's likely not something that I should have told you. But again, it seems unfair to keep something like that from you.
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No, no... It's a lot, but it's... Ja, it's good that you've told me. As you said, I need to know, right?
[Jaeger shakes his head as if to clear it. He's trying, that's really the most that can be said right now.]
I'll be honest with you, this is sort of terrifying. Saying it's a lot to take in is an understatement. But... that doesn't change that you're still very important to me, Albert. I don't know if I can do anything to help, but I'm here for you.
[That's really the most he can offer.]
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[His words are still unnaturally calm, but he can feel his breathing picking up; he's quick to work his hands into his sleeves, to toy with the fabric there to give himself something to do, and he takes a moment to breathe, to try to force his breathing itself to become less jagged- ]
There are some things where you can't force the burden of knowing onto someone else - where things change for them, once they know. I imagine you understand what I mean when I say that, now.
[And there are a lot of things he isn't saying, still - he understands if this is a dealbreaker, he understands if Jaeger wants nothing further to do with him beyond this point...
He understands, but that doesn't change the fact that he can feel himself shaking despite himself.]
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I do. I understand better than I ever have before. But that doesn't mean I'm going to run away.
[He reaches out for Wesker's arm then, just moving to rest his hand there awkwardly, if Wesker will let him.]
I want to say "everything will be fine", but I don't know that it will. I want to tell you that everything's okay right now, but I can't say that either. What I can say is that this doesn't change my feelings for you. You're still my closest friend and the only person I'd trust with everything. You mean the world to me, Albert. This doesn't change that.
[He's scared and he's shaking a bit too, but Jaeger's doing his best to calm himself down.]
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He doesn't know what to say to that, so for the time being he simply doesn't; he just focuses on trying to calm himself down - something that doesn't seem to be working very well, honestly - but he does nod a bit at Jaeger's words. More acknowledgement than anything, a sign that he's heard him and isn't so far up in his head that he can't respond, but he rather clearly doesn't know what to do with any of this.]
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I'm here for you, okay? No matter what. I'm not going to leave. I'll be by your side for as long as you want me here.
[His grip has tightened on Wesker's arm and he forces himself to loosen it so he doesn't have a death hold on the other man.]
Whatever happens, whatever else you remember, we'll face it together. If I can handle this, I can handle anything else your memories have in store.
[And dear god, he hopes he can handle this.]
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...Six billion people, Jaeger.
[It's quiet when he says it; his voice is still surprisingly even, but it's likely becoming increasingly clear that that's because he doesn't know what he should do with his vocal inflection.]
I was prepared to kill at least six billion people.
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I see. Obviously I don't approve of that at all, but that's what happened before all this. We're different people now - very different people. You wouldn't do something like that now and no matter what Retrospec wants us to believe, we're not exactly like the people we were.
You believe that, don't you?
[There's a hint of desperation in his voice. Please tell him you still believe that.]
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I won't become that. Regardless of what Retrospec wants, I'm not...
[He shakes his head again; this is...it's difficult, and it's not something he really knows how to articulate.
He does want to believe that; he just...isn't sure how much he legitimately does.]
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[That's perhaps the most confident he's been since this conversation started. No matter how bad things get, he genuinely believes that Wesker never will be the same man he was before.]
You're the strongest person I know, Albert. No matter what happens - no matter what you remember - you'll always be you. You're not the same person you were back then and you never will be like him again. I have complete faith in that.
[His grip tightens a bit on Wesker's arm again, though it's not desperate this time.]
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...You keep saying that, regarding how strong you think I am. [...] It means a lot, hearing that.
[He shifts a bit, but he isn't trying to pull away from Jaeger's touch; he doesn't want to break that.]
If you're going to insist that I need to believe this, then so do you. You understand that much...?
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[He doesn't pull away, but he does pat Wesker's arm for emphasis. It's important that Wesker knows exactly how much he means to Jaeger.
That question only gets a momentary pause from him before he nods.]
Ja, I know. I think I'll be okay now. No matter what I remember, I'll have you to help me through it, won't I?
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[That response is immediate, at least; he's almost content to leave it at that, but after a moment's deliberation, he doesn't.
He moves forward a bit instead, and while it's infinitely more awkward to do it here than it is in dreams - and it was awkward as hell in Jaeger's dream that one time - he pulls Jaeger closer into what amounts to the world's most stilted embrace. It's obvious that he's bad at this still, and he'll let go if Jaeger wants him to, but for now this is...good, in some way that he isn't used to.]
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For once in his life, Jaeger doesn't have anything to say. He'll just cling for a little while, if that's fine with everyone.]
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