This happened before most of the other things I've recalled, I believe. But at one point I met a woman from eastern Europe. She had blue eyes, and the most striking red hair I'd ever seen... She had come to the States alone, and while I don't remember details regarding how we met, I do know that we were together for quite some time.
She...loved me, and she made certain that I knew that, and I did care for her - as much as I was capable, given the circumstances.
[You know. Having been raised in a murder dungeon and brainwashed to hell and back. That sort of does a number on your capacity to care for people, but there was a good faith effort put forth, apparently.]
It didn't end on terribly good terms, admittedly; there was a fight at one point, and... Well, I suppose she returned to Europe eventually, and we lost touch. I don't know what happened to her beyond that, but that's still more optimistic than anything else I've recalled regarding interpersonal relationships so far.
[...It's still a mess, but he was happy with her for a while and nobody died? That's got to count for something.]
[It's similar to something he'd said after remembering Birkin a bit more; a lot of his memories are bad, but sometimes...]
There are a few people that I'm fairly sure I liked - my coworker that I've told you about, and that person on the force that I trained; there's someone else that I've been seeing recently in all this whatnot involving the fog, and now there's this woman as well...
Sometimes I remember things involving them, and it's surprisingly pleasant for the time that it lasts. It isn't all terrible, though a good amount of it is.
Ja, you've told me that it isn't all terrible. I'm glad it isn't. You're already dealing with more than I can ever imagine, I'd hate to think that it's all unbearable.
...I'm curious about yours, you know. The people you've been remembering. You haven't mentioned much about them, other than the fact that the person in your memories treats his daughters strangely and was conspiring to start a war with what I assume is a male escort of some sort.
Actually, he might have been for all I know. Oh dear.
[ANYWAY MOVING RIGHT ALONG...]
I haven't remembered much about the people in my life, unfortunately. There's the male escort, my daughters, and... well, that's about it. The other people I've remembered all seemed to have it out for me for various reasons, I'd assume.
Well, aside from the dog I didn't like there were a group of young people who keep popping up in my memories. They're as as poorly-dressed as everyone else from my world. Then there was the older man who tried to take my head off after breaking into my house for... some reason...? I'm still not sure why he felt the need to do that.
They've been fairly entertaining, in other words!
Oh, and there's Regaey - someone I'm posing as for some reason. I'm still not sure why I was doing that or even who Regaey is supposed to be.
Well, perhaps someday all of that will fill itself in eventually. I still have a few people I've remembered that don't seem to make any sense, either, if it's any consolation to you - nowhere near as disjointedly as yours, however.
I'm sure it will make sense at some point. There's still so much I don't know about who I was or why I was acting the way I was, but I'm not too worried about it right now. I know I'm not the same person, after all!
[He's definitely got some things in common with that man, but there are more differences than similarities that he can see.]
[He's not sure what to do with that and it shows, but he's trying not to dismiss it or make it seem like he doesn't appreciate the praise.]
I'm doing my best! Things have gotten a bit easier lately, thankfully. It might be because I haven't remembered anything troubling in quite some time. Confusing, sure, but nothing that really bothers me any.
I think it does require a certain amount of strength to keep going. Sure, there may not be any other option, but I doubt I could do it half as well as you do. Some of my memories have been bad, but most of them are just confusing. It makes it a little easier to distance myself from it, I suppose. If I had a lot of memories that bothered me... well, I don't know how I'd be handling that.
[...He isn't really sure how to word what he wants to say; give him a moment and he'll work it out, it's just...one of those things he does.]
...The memories do bother me, but the more of them I receive, the more I feel as though I understand them. Which should likely be troubling in and of itself, but I can't say that it is, not entirely.
[is that fucked up, he thinks it might be fucked up.]
Well, if it works for you! I can't really say anything about that because so little of what I remember actually connects, but maybe it'll be the same for me as well once I remember more!
I don't know, honestly. Some part of me really does think it would be good to have at least some understanding of why I acted the way I did... but I don't know if that's really what I want, if that makes sense.
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This happened before most of the other things I've recalled, I believe. But at one point I met a woman from eastern Europe. She had blue eyes, and the most striking red hair I'd ever seen... She had come to the States alone, and while I don't remember details regarding how we met, I do know that we were together for quite some time.
She...loved me, and she made certain that I knew that, and I did care for her - as much as I was capable, given the circumstances.
[You know. Having been raised in a murder dungeon and brainwashed to hell and back. That sort of does a number on your capacity to care for people, but there was a good faith effort put forth, apparently.]
It didn't end on terribly good terms, admittedly; there was a fight at one point, and... Well, I suppose she returned to Europe eventually, and we lost touch. I don't know what happened to her beyond that, but that's still more optimistic than anything else I've recalled regarding interpersonal relationships so far.
[...It's still a mess, but he was happy with her for a while and nobody died? That's got to count for something.]
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I see. I'm glad you remembered something like that even if it didn't end well; it sounds like it was a mostly normal relationship, honestly!
[What a relief to hear...]
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[It's similar to something he'd said after remembering Birkin a bit more; a lot of his memories are bad, but sometimes...]
There are a few people that I'm fairly sure I liked - my coworker that I've told you about, and that person on the force that I trained; there's someone else that I've been seeing recently in all this whatnot involving the fog, and now there's this woman as well...
Sometimes I remember things involving them, and it's surprisingly pleasant for the time that it lasts. It isn't all terrible, though a good amount of it is.
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[Well, that...started out well, anyway.]
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[...]
Actually, he might have been for all I know. Oh dear.
[ANYWAY MOVING RIGHT ALONG...]
I haven't remembered much about the people in my life, unfortunately. There's the male escort, my daughters, and... well, that's about it. The other people I've remembered all seemed to have it out for me for various reasons, I'd assume.
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The fuck was your life.]
Hopefully the latter ones were at least entertaining about it...?
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They've been fairly entertaining, in other words!
Oh, and there's Regaey - someone I'm posing as for some reason. I'm still not sure why I was doing that or even who Regaey is supposed to be.
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[He's definitely got some things in common with that man, but there are more differences than similarities that he can see.]
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[Dealing with those nightmares was actually good for him, who knew?]
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[...]
I do find it admirable in some ways, you know. Your ability to not be as affected by this, whether I agree with the method or not.
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[He's not sure what to do with that and it shows, but he's trying not to dismiss it or make it seem like he doesn't appreciate the praise.]
I'm doing my best! Things have gotten a bit easier lately, thankfully. It might be because I haven't remembered anything troubling in quite some time. Confusing, sure, but nothing that really bothers me any.
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[...Just...saying. He's never really expressed that before.]
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[He's not really used to being praised like this? What does he do with this.]
I really do appreciate it! I don't mean to sound like I don't. It's really nice to hear.
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[He generally does, really; he can't always read a room well, but with Jaeger it's easier, most of the time.]
And it's...fine. I haven't told you that before, after all.
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[That's probably the most honest he's been about this sort of thing.]
I continue on and try to keep everything as normal as possible, because what else am I supposed to do? It isn't as though I have any other options.
I don't know if that can truly be considered strength or not. But I do appreciate the sentiment.
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[...He isn't really sure how to word what he wants to say; give him a moment and he'll work it out, it's just...one of those things he does.]
...The memories do bother me, but the more of them I receive, the more I feel as though I understand them. Which should likely be troubling in and of itself, but I can't say that it is, not entirely.
[is that fucked up, he thinks it might be fucked up.]
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Well, if it works for you! I can't really say anything about that because so little of what I remember actually connects, but maybe it'll be the same for me as well once I remember more!
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[...you are trying your best
like he's pretty sure the fucked up part is that he shouldn't be understanding shit like...everything he did to excella
and yet here he is
but he really does appreciate the attempt]
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I don't know, honestly. Some part of me really does think it would be good to have at least some understanding of why I acted the way I did... but I don't know if that's really what I want, if that makes sense.
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[There is a Difference, as far as he's concerned.]
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