scythegun | INBOX

It's never been easy for me. My past life never trusted anyone fully, but likewise seemed to enjoy simply spending time with people I liked - a lot of the memories that I seemed to consider positive back then were very simple things like that.

As for nowadays...well, I have you. I don't trust anyone else like this, but then I've never really had much reason to.

It's not easy, but that's why it's so important to me that you can trust me. I'm really happy, Albert.

[He has a hard enough time of it, but after everything Wesker went through in both this life and his previous one... well, it's impressive that he can trust anyone.]

So am I.

[He shifts a bit where he's leaning against Jaeger; eventually he'll nuzzle up to him a little. It's another of those gestures that's probably always going to be awkward, but there's an attempt at least.]

[It gets a soft sound out of him and he's quick to return it. His grip tightens on Wesker a bit and even though his boyfriend isn't exactly comfortable, this is really nice...]

I love you so much.

[Ah... Jaeger's grip tightening against his body feels really nice, actually, and it gets him to relax against him almost immediately; he can't even begin to explain why but a lot of the tension is just gone, and he nuzzles him again, and it takes him a little while to say anything but eventually he will.]

You've always been good at making me feel loved, you know.

[He'll return the nuzzling immediately of course, that's always nice. It feels like Wesker's relaxing too, which is really good.]

It's always been so important to me to make sure you know, especially when I couldn't manage the words. I never want you to have to question that.

You've never given me reason to.

[This is comfortable - at least as much as it can be, considering.]

I love you.

[It is... But that's probably not surprising, considering how much Jaeger adores physical affection...]

I love you too, I love you so much... I'm really happy like this. I know things can be really hard on you, but you're doing an amazing job handling everything. I'm really happy you seem to be feeling better, nightmares aside.

[That gets a soft noise out of him.]

Is it really that obvious...?

[He nuzzles up against Wesker again.]

Ja, of course! You're calmer lately, it's been a relief, honestly...

[Oh... He'll return that, all right.]

I've been feeling less upset over everything. Not because I want to try to forget or dismiss everything that happened, but...

[Mm.]

It's been evident to me that I can't keep living like that.

I think you're right. It's... very difficult to process all of this and know what to do with it. But I really do want you to be happy, so it's... really nice to see that you're trying a different approach.

[He's quiet for a moment, just settling against Jaeger and trying to make himself relax again; he can feel some of the tension creeping back in, and he doesn't want that.]

...I think it was easier for me to just accept responsibility without question - to believe that all of those things had happened because I was an evil person, and there was nothing I could do to change that, and as a result I deserved to be in a state of constant suffering. If I wasn't, then I deserved to feel guilt about that as well - if I caused so many people pain, then what right did I have to be happy?

It was difficult, but it was safer than trying to process everything and truly face what I've done. It was easier than trying to comprehend what happened.

But you've been helping me to work through what I was thinking and feeling back then. To understand why things turned out the way they did, and to process everything that happened. It's been a great help to me, and I appreciate that you ask me questions about that sort of thing when I discuss my memories with you. ...Thank you.

[Jaeger listens to all of that without interrupting, though he does eventually move a hand up so he can gently play with the back of Wesker's hair. He knows this is a lot to work through, and the hair-playing usually helps him calm down, so who knows, it might help.]

I can understand that, I think. Processing all of this really must be very difficult. Looking at it from a more superficial perspective... I understand.

[It's what he's been doing with his memories, after all.]

It's important to me to learn more about your past life. I'm very happy I've been able to help. I'll admit that sometimes I'm at a loss for what to do or say, but I'll always be here for you.

[He's never been as fond of the hair-playing as Jaeger is, but he doesn't protest it; it gets a soft sound out of him, but it isn't displeased.]

Might I ask why it's so important to you?

[Good, he's not going to stop, then.]

It's an important part of you, and the memories have had a very large impact on you. I want to know what happened to you, to know what things were like for you in your past life, even if I can't fully understand what you were going through.

Part of it is certainly just curiosity, but I think if I have a better understanding of what happened I can help you more.

[Mm.]

A lot of it is just...excessive, I suppose. Along the lines of what I've already told you.

[He lets himself settle a little, though.]

...I really do hope that Chris was able to find at least some peace after what happened. I don't know how I feel about him, but he deserves that much.

...Yes, I think so too.

[He still doesn't really like talking about what people deserve, but he can agree with the sentiment.]

He really does seem like a fascinating person. I hope things worked out for him.

He's one of the people that I miss sometimes. Even though I've never properly known him, it feels...strange, having a life without him in it in some way. We only met a handful of times after the incident in the mansion, and each of those times were years apart, but he was a constant presence for me all the same.

It's because he was so important to you, ja? Not in a good way, obviously, but he was someone you focused a lot on. I can certainly see where it'd be strange to be without him in this life.

I have no doubt that I genuinely hated him. Both because of what happened and because I genuinely hated everyone by the end.

But he was incredibly important to me just the same, yes.

It certainly sounds complicated... I think it's a good thing that you're able to get some distance from that in this life, though.

How do you mean?

Well, your memories are probably mostly filled with hatred, and I can imagine it's difficult to handle that, especially in those memories about Chris. But you're not angry at him in this life, you genuinely wish that he was able to find peace. Being able to take a step back from the feelings the memories bring with them is very important, I think.

...I think it's easier to do that with the memories of Chris, in some ways. I was a blatantly evil person back then - if not inherently, then at least in actions. Regardless of what my motivations were, that much is obvious.

[He doesn't sound too troubled by it; it's just fact.]

With that in mind, it's easier for me to not hate him, because Chris didn't do anything wrong. It's difficult to hate someone for interfering with plans that would get large amounts of people killed if you're any sort of rational person.

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