With Chris, it feels easier to separate that much hatred as being irrational; with Jill and Excella, it's... There's more of a lack of emotion to it that makes the memories strange to me. They're objectively terrible actions, but they come with the sense that I wasn't doing anything wrong. It isn't even feeling justified; it just feels like the natural conclusion to everything that was happening.
Oh, I see. That does sound like it would be difficult. Most of my memories have come without emotions attached, but there was never a sense like that.
[Yeager was a messed up individual, but he wasn't that messed up.]
I'll always be here if you need to talk about that sort of thing. I can see where it would be very difficult to handle, between the lack of emotions and the thought that it was just the natural conclusion to things.
...He also spoke to me the day that the Retrospec post went out. We talked a good amount about the capacity for change and the like.
He's also said something to the effect of believing that my past life may not have been an inherently evil man, given how I went about everything with Uroboros.
It was designed to select people by way of genetic markers, as opposed to personality traits, status, or even my personal feelings on them. It wasn't designed to kill everyone, and when I realized it would do that, I revised it until it wouldn't. The people that died would die instantly instead of suffering; the people that survived would be something that I considered superior to humanity in the end.
It doesn't change how terrible the attempt was, or how hideous the outcome would have been. But if I had to end the world, there were far crueler ways that it could have been done, and I went out of my way to avoid them.
[He has to consider that for a moment; he's never put much thought into the method Wesker wanted to use or how much time and effort must have gone into creating the virus in such a specific way. It's interesting to think about.]
...I think he's right. No, it doesn't change how awful any of that would have been, but you specifically created the virus in such a way, ja? You didn't have to revise it, you could have just let it kill everyone. You could have gone about this in different ways, ways that would have been more cruel to the people who would die, but you didn't.
He does have a very unique way of looking at things, ja? I really do think it helps to change your perspective on things every so often, though! I'm glad Kei could help you too.
[That gets a soft laugh out of him and he returns the nuzzling.]
I will, definitely. I do want to know what you've been thinking about. I'm very happy to see that you're doing better lately, it really is such a relief...
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With Chris, it feels easier to separate that much hatred as being irrational; with Jill and Excella, it's... There's more of a lack of emotion to it that makes the memories strange to me. They're objectively terrible actions, but they come with the sense that I wasn't doing anything wrong. It isn't even feeling justified; it just feels like the natural conclusion to everything that was happening.
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[Yeager was a messed up individual, but he wasn't that messed up.]
I'll always be here if you need to talk about that sort of thing. I can see where it would be very difficult to handle, between the lack of emotions and the thought that it was just the natural conclusion to things.
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He's also said something to the effect of believing that my past life may not have been an inherently evil man, given how I went about everything with Uroboros.
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[That's... new. He's not sure what to make of that.]
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It doesn't change how terrible the attempt was, or how hideous the outcome would have been. But if I had to end the world, there were far crueler ways that it could have been done, and I went out of my way to avoid them.
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...I think he's right. No, it doesn't change how awful any of that would have been, but you specifically created the virus in such a way, ja? You didn't have to revise it, you could have just let it kill everyone. You could have gone about this in different ways, ways that would have been more cruel to the people who would die, but you didn't.
I hadn't considered it like that before.
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[...]
Talking to Kei is something of an experience sometimes...
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[Bless Kei, he tries. Sometimes.]
I'm trying to be less unfair to myself. In both this life and my previous one.
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[He nuzzles up against Jaeger again.]
It isn't easy, but I think it might help at least somewhat... Remind me to talk to you sometime about what I've been working through.
[...Sometime that isn't some ungodly hour of the morning.]
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I will, definitely. I do want to know what you've been thinking about. I'm very happy to see that you're doing better lately, it really is such a relief...
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[He's quiet for a moment.]
I think I may be able to sleep again.
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I'm glad. If you have any more nightmares, you can wake me up again. I won't mind.
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Again, I know it sounds strange, but I'm really happy you woke me up. I always do want to be here for you, after all. I'm really happy I can help.