scythegun | week 6; thursday

week 6; thursday

[Watching movies with Top Dollar is always an enjoyable experience (especially when they're Die Hard and the villain is basically Yeager) but there's actually a damn good reason behind movie night tonight, mostly in the form of a note Yeager passed Top Dollar about ten minutes before the end of the movie.

Our gunners are Yukino and Yuri. I've spoken with both of them and confirmed it. Yukino believes there may be a third one.

He's certainly not going to draw any attention to that note or what was written there, but once the movie's over he doesn't seem interested in leaving immediately.]

You certainly do have amazing taste in entertainment! I'm a bit disappointed we don't have anything so wonderful back home!

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[wouldn't be hazama otherwise

... ... ...

i'm all right with what ~~happened~~ i did to kevin

shit needed to happen and i don't regret it

but it was good to hear from him anyway, is that fucked up or what

... ... ...

christ you don't need to hear this shit

read this shit, whatever

nevermind]

[No, don't be sorry. Sometimes it helps to get it all out on paper. I write my daughters almost every night for that very reason, actually! It's sort of pointless since I'll never show them the letters, but it helps me get my thoughts organized.

I think I understand, at least a little bit. I agree that it needed to happen and I'm pleased that he's dead, but I understand feeling a little strange about it afterwards. I felt the same way after I conspired to get Don Whitehorse killed.

We don't have to talk about it, but if you ever need someone to listen I'll be here.]

[i don't really know what to talk about

i'm used to not giving a fuck about anyone and not having anyone give a fuck about me and i'm okay with that usually, i talked to kevin once after one of his funerals that he did because i started showing up to those and i had to tell him that i didn't know why i was there or what i was even supposed to be doing

because people like me and my guys don't get funerals, we die and no one cares, it's just a fact of life and kevin tried to make not knowing what to do like that seem like it's not a fucked up thing but it got really obvious really fast that i do not know how to mourn people at all

so i'm not fucked up over him dying either but it's weird because i don't know what i want to do about it if anything, i just feel like i should be doing something that isn't this, is that what giving a fuck feels like]

[It is and it's terrible. I'm sorry you have to experience it here and now, since this isn't exactly a good place for that. But I'm not like everyone else - I've been trying to stamp out any kind of emotional reaction to everything for the past ten years and usually I succeed. It's harder to do here.

I'm sure it's difficult to deal with that right now, especially after what you did. I wish I had some sort of advice for you, but I'm the last person you'd want to take it from! I've spent the past ten years ignoring my feelings and I never gave myself any time to properly mourn anyone. The first time I tried was with Whitehorse and even that was awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved. (Yuri was also there, so that might be why.)

I don't know if you'll find any way to deal with any of this. You might not. But I think it's okay if you can't figure out what you want to do. Kevin died this week and even though that's become normal here, it certainly wouldn't be otherwise. Mourning is a process, it takes time to sort through everything, even for perfectly normal people.]

Edited 2017-01-07 09:33 (UTC)

[He doesn't write anything back right away; he just reads over what Yeager's written, and he reads it again, and he...really doesn't know what to do with any of it. After a moment, though, he'll start writing again; he isn't altogether sure this is what he wants to be putting down and it shows, but he's doing it anyway because he's just...like that, really.

i get where this makes me asshole of the year, but i figured that you'd be okay if anything happened to me here because of that sort of thing

that maybe you'd just be kind of pissed for a while at the most and then move on because that's just how things work

it wasn't all because of how you act about things like that, though that was most of it - it's hard to know when you actually mean what you say and i just figured that i was convenient for you or something and after all of this was over that would be it, no actual fucks given

i'm also used to that kind of thing being the case, people just moving on from shit

... ... ...

i think part of it is that t-bird was kind of like that, he'd come to me if his guys died and he'd be pissed off about it and sometimes he'd talk to me about it if i wasn't busy with something else, but he'd always get over it and just go back to doing what he always did

and like i said i get that this sort of thing probably makes me asshole of the year but it didn't really occur to me that he probably did that because i'd give him something to do or i'd tell him i'd fix it and i'd make sure that whoever fucked with him disappeared within the next couple of days

i just kind of figured that's something that certain people do in general because

because i don't know why, i'm a fucking idiot about this kind of thing i guess

so i don't know, i thought you'd be fine? both because i figured you didn't actually give a fuck and even if you did people get over things really quick in my experience so yeah]

[...

I do my best to make it look like I don't ~~give a f~~ care. I've done it for years. That was the image I wanted to create for myself, and I know I've succeeded in it. If anything, it's almost too good. I'm not surprised you didn't realize, because no one has before. Don't worry about that. I'm not bothered by it at all.

I'll do my best to be more upfront. I'm not very good at it, in case you haven't noticed!

Thank you for telling me all of this. I'm not really sure how to respond, to be honest. Having difficulties with things like this is certainly understandable, though most people don't have the same problems. If there's anything I can do to assist you, let me know. I may not always be able to help, but I'll certainly try!]

[not to say that i won't tell you if i've got a problem with you or something

but when it comes to advice are you fucking kidding me, you're about as much of a shitshow as i am

i don't really expect you to know what you're doing either

...good to see that the bluntness isn't just a verbal thing, um]

[How rude! And after I tried so hard to help...!

He actually looks like he's trying really damn hard not to laugh, shhh.

I suppose we'll have to figure it out together then, won't we? Maybe we'll work things out! But more likely we'll both be horribly confused by how everyone else is reacting and we'll once again come off like insensitive jerks. Oh well! ★

Ah yes, this is normal and nice and he can go back to not trying!!]

[jesus christ

i swear i can pass as a normal person most of the time

kinda blunt but more or less normal

i've got a legitimate job, i work in real estate investment for fuck's sake]

[Only kind of blunt?

Well, for what it's worth, I don't think you've been doing too badly here! But of course that's not saying much, coming from me!]

[you said it, not me

as for only kind of blunt, yeah? this is just how i talk to people, everyone back home is used to it. we're all really blunt people there though

there are some places where people aren't like that actually, i think people in the south aren't all that direct, they prefer to act polite

i'm from north central, though, north central and northeast tend to be really direct, i'm moreso than most though i'll admit that]

[We don't really have regional differences like that, at least not in terms of how blunt we are. But that's a bit of a silly conversation to have on paper, isn't it?

Is there anything else we need to keep quiet or would you like me to leave now?]

[...Actually -

What makes Yukino think there's a third? You mentioned that earlier.]

[I don't know. We were trying to avoid making what we were talking about very obvious. All I know is that she was very convinced that there's a third.]

[when did you have this conversation with her]

[This past Sunday.]

[all right

i'm doing what i can to make sure things don't go to shit for them, if the others catch me for what i did to kevin i'm all right with letting them think they've caught their guy for at least a little while, maybe it'll get them to back off

crow is the guy i'm concerned about right now (and the fucking irony is killing me because of goddamn course it's a guy called crow)

but he's the one who's down everybody's throats whenever anybody gets shot, him and the shithead prosecutor

if he outs himself as control he's another one we need out of the way, i can handle it if it comes to that]

[My, you really are determined to do things your way, aren't you? I don't like putting you in the line of fire, but as long as you're careful - VERY careful - I believe we can make this work.

Yukino mentioned that she believes the experiment may end once a certain number of people have died. I don't know what the number is, but I don't mind sacrificing the dangerous ones to get us close to this experiment's end. I won't put myself in a dangerous position, but I will do everything I can from the sidelines.]

[even if they catch me, then - if it adds to the death toll then we win either way, don't we? i know you're probably not gonna like that logic either, but the strategy works out.

... ... ...

you know i was actually not sure what sandra meant when she put down that i've "got more moxie than i actually know what to do with" until i realized i just fucking proposed that in front of someone telling me to actually be careful with it

seriously "don't fucking die jason" "well how about i do that anyway because strategy"

jesus christ okay right

we can take this a bit more slowly than that, i see your point in telling me to be careful about it]

[this fucking face forever, jesus christ top dollar

Well, I'm very glad you realized! I am not willing to sacrifice the people I care about to a plan like this, especially not when you're very useful! Taking out threats is fine as long as you're careful, but at this rate I think it would be best if you talk to me before you try to do anything on your own. Just to be safe, of course!

PLEASE DON'T DIE ON HIM OH MY GOD]

Edited 2017-01-08 03:08 (UTC)

[look i'm used to making executive decisions like that and a lot of those decisions involve moving people into the line of fire and sometimes one of those people is me

i'm not going to ask my guys to do anything with themselves that i wouldn't do personally, because i'm just not like that

anyway i wasn't trying to say that i'm going to deliberately get myself killed, just that if i do it's not a total loss but i get what you're saying

[It would be a total loss. I can only handle so much and if you die you're essentially leaving me to try to plan everything and move everyone on my own. I simply can't do it. This isn't a job one man can handle, no matter how amazing and wonderful they might be.

From a tactical standpoint, yes more deaths would be good. But losing you wouldn't get us very far. I see what you were saying, but I don't want you to place that much faith in me when I know I can't live up to it.

So let's be careful about this. We don't want to lose anyone we actually like or find useful, but that leaves plenty of people we can still use to get us closer to the end of this. If we can determine Crow's position, that would be ideal.]

[just...give him a second, all right, this is sitting kind of weirdly with him for a lot of reasons.

i wouldn't place that much faith in you if i didn't know for a goddamn fact you deserve it

i do get what you're saying and i'm going to do what i can to keep myself in the experiment, i won't be reckless but i absolutely can't guarantee that i won't die, i can't promise you that

if something does happen to me you need to swear to me that you're going to be able to handle this until the experiment is over

i'm not asking for as much as you think i am, if you can't handle sabotaging it or trying to pull any sort of stunt then don't try, i know you're not going to like it and losing people you care about is going to fuck you up, i get that

so you don't have to bring it down if you can't do that, you just have to outlast it by any means possible

that's all i'm telling you to do, and that's all i want you to do]

[He hesitates for a moment, though he doesn't really need to. He already knows exactly what his answer is going to be.

I have two lovely daughters at home waiting for me. (Or assuming I'm dead, either way.) I won't allow anything to stop me from getting home to them. Either we'll bring this experiment down together or I'll survive to the bitter end myself. It doesn't matter what it takes. I won't do anything reckless and I won't die.

Unfortunately, that isn't something I can promise you either. I can promise you that I'll do everything in my power to stay alive.

For a long moment he doesn't add anything else, then he shakes his head and puts the pen back to paper.

Thank you. For your faith in me, for your reassurance, and for your concern. Losing any of the people I care about will mess me up, but I won't allow that to endanger me. I've learned a lot since coming here and while I certainly don't like being here, in some ways I'm grateful for the opportunity to step back and look at my life and my incredibly stupid choices.

I sincerely hope we can put an end to this experiment together. I don't want to lose you.]

[He doesn't write anything for a while; his gaze is shifting a bit, though, like he doesn't quite know what to do with himself, and he finds himself fidgeting with his gloves for a while before he writes anything else.

you should go

otherwise i'm going to do something stupid like touching you again and you fucking hate that so just get out before this gets more awkward than it needs to be]

week 6; thursday

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