[He's quiet for a moment, just settling against Jaeger and trying to make himself relax again; he can feel some of the tension creeping back in, and he doesn't want that.]
...I think it was easier for me to just accept responsibility without question - to believe that all of those things had happened because I was an evil person, and there was nothing I could do to change that, and as a result I deserved to be in a state of constant suffering. If I wasn't, then I deserved to feel guilt about that as well - if I caused so many people pain, then what right did I have to be happy?
It was difficult, but it was safer than trying to process everything and truly face what I've done. It was easier than trying to comprehend what happened.
But you've been helping me to work through what I was thinking and feeling back then. To understand why things turned out the way they did, and to process everything that happened. It's been a great help to me, and I appreciate that you ask me questions about that sort of thing when I discuss my memories with you. ...Thank you.
no subject
...I think it was easier for me to just accept responsibility without question - to believe that all of those things had happened because I was an evil person, and there was nothing I could do to change that, and as a result I deserved to be in a state of constant suffering. If I wasn't, then I deserved to feel guilt about that as well - if I caused so many people pain, then what right did I have to be happy?
It was difficult, but it was safer than trying to process everything and truly face what I've done. It was easier than trying to comprehend what happened.
But you've been helping me to work through what I was thinking and feeling back then. To understand why things turned out the way they did, and to process everything that happened. It's been a great help to me, and I appreciate that you ask me questions about that sort of thing when I discuss my memories with you. ...Thank you.